Thoughts From a LEO Wife

 

I am not sure why but this 9/11 has been a bit tougher for me.  I have always realized the magnitude of the events of 9/11 and I remember vividly that day watching the devastation, broken for those personally impacted and wondering how this may reach our family … what if something happens here, close to home?  What if my husband has to be at “ground zero” for days on end? 

This year though I think I have come to my personal realization of the ways that I failed to acknowledge and support my husband.  He has put on the uniform for 22 ½ years.  He has taken in and seen far more than I will ever realize.  He ends each shift putting it all into a mental box, locks it up, and comes home to be an amazing dad and husband.  He works really hard to make sure that his work life doesn’t carry over into our innocence at home.  He has done such a good job of this that really what I have to admit is that I have failed to acknowledge for many of these 22 ½ years the job he walks into each day. 

 

A little over one year after we were married he started his first law enforcement job.  I think originally I had fear of something happening to him, what if he is killed?  I always took the mindset that I can’t live in that fear, God will always be there for whatever comes our way and we have to live life.  I had a wise, more seasoned, law enforcement wife sit me down prior to Chris’ first job and share with me that there will be days that you have to support even though you have no idea what they saw, or had to experience.  She was wise in her advice even though I didn’t really understand what life would be like.  Chris went to work each day, and sometimes, if I was lucky I would hear a funny story; something that would give us a good laugh.  It was rare that I was ever exposed to the bad stuff.  His first week I got a little peek, but after that … it was rare.  I actually was so clueless that I would often question the job they did and why/how they had to do it.  I struggled to accept that people would need to be forcefully taken down or even worse, shot.  Why can’t the force be stopped in a non-lethal way?  I sometimes would question, he would explain, and it never settled well with me.  The bottom line was, I was failing to acknowledge what he steps into each day.  My frame of reference told me that that type of response shouldn’t be necessary, and truthfully, because they do what they do, I can live not understanding when that type of response is necessary.

 

Since 2014 my stance and willingness to understand has completely shifted.  Sad isn’t it.  Really, it took me many years, probably not 20, but far too many to reach the place of understanding.  This understanding isn’t even about just that I want him to make it home each night.  This understanding is that the world law enforcement officers are in each day is something that we do not have a clue in grasping.  When I stop and realize that my husband has taken weapons off of people that had bad intentions countless times, he has used all methods (without lethal force) to apprehend and detain weapon carrying people over his 22+ years, dealt with so many on drugs, strung out or so drunk they have fallen asleep at the wheel at a stop light, or done even worse.  Having to use lethal force is the last option; it is what kicks in when you have gone through all other means in your brain.  For some that mental checklist has to be run through very quickly.  He has worked with 100’s of people with mental health struggles.  He has seen them be willing to comply and he has seen when they have had to get compliance by force.  It is broken, it is something none of us want to think about, but it is a job that he is willing to do.  He is willing to continue to go to work each day, answering each call of unknowns.  He has the courage to do this.  He runs in when everyone else is running out.  How tragic and sad that his own wife hasn’t taken the time to acknowledge this for his entire career. 

I am struggling when I meet people that don’t understand.  When people take the stance that men and women in law enforcement do the job for power, control and people actually believing that pulling the trigger “ain’t nothing but another day at work.”  I will fight for LEOs and will defend them unless an individual case warrants otherwise.  Although this job will change you, I refuse to believe that those entering this job do it with bad intentions.  They actually (most often) think they can make a difference.  Funny huh, that they would actually think they could impact positively those that they interact with.

My (non-adoptive) post today on this 9/11 is to say, thank you.  Thank you Chris, and thank you to the almost 1 million LEOs who get into their squad cars, answer calls and make the hardest decisions imaginable.  I can assure you that the LEO I live with loves his black daughter more than words can express.  He cares deeply for all that he serves each day, of every ethnic background and life circumstance.  I also believe that the VAST majority of LEOs fall into that category.  Chris may be beyond the years of believing any longer that he will have personal impact.  The reality sets in and instead of thinking about that, he does the best that he can do with each person he comes in contact with. 

From what I understand there have been almost 150 first responders who have died over the past 15 years since that day in September 2001.  Those that worked that site for weeks and months and their fate in that commitment was death due to exposure from the elements present.  My hope is that I will adequately prepare my children to understand how difficult the job is and how important respect is when dealing with law enforcement.  I wish that we could see that example from other adults.  I have lived my days of ignorance of this job, and lack of respect and understanding of what they do.  I will no longer be bound by that.  Thank you all of you LEOs that I am friends with that run into the danger instead of running out.  Thank you that you respond without regard to your own well-being so that those in the community can be protected.  And thank you to my husband, who has lived with a wife that hasn’t had a clue for much of the past 22 ½ years, but he still loves me.  Imagine that?  His patience and love for me even when I didn’t get it.  I think I am a pretty blessed wife. 

Never forget … please never forget the sacrifice and willingness every day by first responders. 

Are You Still Adopting?

 

 

 

We have fielded this question many times over the past months.  Truly caring friends and family that wonder what, if any, progress has occurred.  I think many assume that we probably have dropped out of this process and probably don’t want to ask as it is a hard topic sometimes.  The answer is, “yes,” we are still adopting, we are still waiting and we are still confident that God is speaking to us in that we need to continue to wait.  In talking about this last week, we realized that at this point of being active at the agency in Georgia, we still haven’t waited as long as we did for Kylie.  That wait was 10 months from the time our home study was complete.  We are at about nine months right now of being active at the agency domestically.  Clearly, with starting internationally in 2013, we have waited longer than nine months, but for our current process we right now have waited the length of a pregnancy.

 

One thing that anyone who has adopted can likely relate to is do you “get ready” or wait, when it comes to preparedness with a crib, clothes and other baby items.  This time for us we are approved to adopt a child up to age five.  We assume it will be a baby, but it may not be.  We are prepared, but not prepared all at the same time this time around.  Recently we had friends gift us an over-abundance of clothing which makes us more set in that department then I ever thought imaginable.  Being older parents, we also know that you can get by for awhile without the cool baby items that we deemed completely necessary when we had Corbin 16 years ago.   J

 

I wanted to share again God’s amazing goodness and how He speaks.  I often find that I just need to really listen because He does want to reveal to us if we stop and hear Him.  We have had some tough struggles lately helping Kylie work through her grief and loss in adoption (another blog post could be written about that piece, and the misnomer that children adopted at birth will have little to deal with related to their adoption) … this particular day I was very sad, so sad for her and feeling completely incompetent in our ability as her parents.  I was crying out to the Lord and actually told Him that “We can’t do this again … it is too hard!”  I had decided in that moment while sitting in my glider that this was it, we have all we can handle and honestly, “I’m out” on another go-round is what I thought in my head.  Awhile later when I went to check my email I realized we had an email from the agency in Georgia. These emails are not common as we typically have no idea when our profile is being shown.  This email was inquiring with us about a situation and asking would we want to be shown.  I was amazed, once again, that God spoke at the exact time that I was having my melt-down.  He has been gracious in allowing us to receive an answer from Him exactly when we have wondered if we are still to be pursuing.  We were shown, and didn’t end up being chosen for that situation, but God knew we needed another confirmation.  I am sure He is probably thinking “when are you going to get it??” 

 

I have said many times in this process, and continue to say, God’s timing is the only thing we can count on.  We don’t know what is coming, we don’t know when and we honestly don’t know if it will ever happen.  But the one thing we do know is that for some reason God still has us waiting.  For some reason, God has chosen to supply the entire remaining financial need for this adoption, and for some reason He chooses to speak to us in each moment we have of hesitation and doubt.  So, there’s my update … not really an update, but another proclamation that we are still waiting … God continues to have all the details and our job continues to be obediently waiting on Him.

 

Remaining Thankful!

 

Updates can feel futile when there hasn’t been a change.  The wait in adoption is waiting on something that you cannot see, feel or hear.  You are trusting that in this wait, things are happening but you just don’t have the ability to see or know those things.  It is a journey of faith for sure and also a discipline in the art of releasing control.  I have struggled between letting it go to the point of not even thinking about it for days at a time to being consumed each day with thoughts of  “When Lord?  When?” … Americans are not accustomed to waiting.  And I confess, I do not always “wait” well.  Every few months bring discussions and wonderings about God’s plan in this.  What will the outcome be?  We do not know.  We do not know how long it will be before it is revealed. 

 

In crying out to the Lord over the past week I have just asked for Him to show us if we are to stop on this road and to show us if we are to continue on this road.  Yesterday God spoke again through an email from a granting entity that we had applied to in October.  We had assumed that we were not awarded this grant as it has been over four months since we sent our application.  Well, God spoke clearly again yesterday, we have been awarded another grant.  It is humbling to be the recipient of a financial gift … we have experienced many on this journey.  It is humbling that our amazing God, our BIG God cares enough about speaking to us that He would show us, so long after applying to this grant, that He still wants us on this journey.  I hope, before I leave this earth, that I can finally find a way to live in the knowledge daily that God has it all … He has it so that we don’t need to worry.  We don’t need to wonder, we just need to trust.  And even more than that, we need to be thankful, every single day, every single minute.  Thankful even in the unknown and thankful even when it is hard. God is so good, He has plans far beyond our limited grasp of understanding. 

 

So, I am thankful, and will work to obediently wait until His plan is revealed!